Five years ago I spoke with one of my yoga teachers on the phone. She was helping me get my shit together for an upcoming biggy.
“I just want to be really present when I have the audition,” I said. “I want to be open. I want to feel everything.”
Her voice was all love. “That’s beautiful Lacey,” she said. “But instead of waiting for the audition to be present, to feel everything, why don’t you start now? Then when it comes time, you’ll already be the way you hope to be.”
My mind and heart exploded into a million pieces of light. I was given a gift: Live now the way you hope to live later.
Everything kind of folded in on itself. Not saying that it’s been all enlightenment and levitation since then, but I began to change the way I approached my life.
Death is the same as that audition, I realized. It’s another upcoming event, albeit an unscheduled one. Nonetheless, it’s on the docket and there’s no changing that. I know I must live now the way I hope to die.
A letter for when I die
said that a good life is a good death. In that case, this is a great
one. When I finally learned that fear is the opposite of love, I
actively chose love for this life – love for myself, for others, for the
path and for the adventures. I practiced presence, listened to my
breath, the sounds in the trees, and the voices of the ones I love. I
chose to be present for life and thus, for my own death.
I regret nothing.
I have lived a life full of learning and unfolding. I have tried to be compassionate and for the times I was not, I hope that I have learned a great deal, even if in retrospect. I have tried to be good to strangers and friends and family, to the earth and to animals. When I learned of injustices or suffering, I tried to do better, to be better; to help in some way.
If my death is untimely, although I suppose they all seem to be, I know that it doesn’t matter. Each day lived fully is a life unto itself. If my death is tragic, I know that in those final moments I will harness all that I have learned and let my boundless innate joy be what fills my heart. I will not be afraid. I will not be afraid.
In the end, I will let love from others bolster me up. I will not grasp or cling to the impossible. I will accept my fate and be grateful for all that I have had. I will feel blessed for this life that has brought me to my death.
The light in me recognizes the light in you. I’m sure I’ll see you again, shining in another life.
From the end of my life, with love –