Saturday, September 19, 2020

5 Social Anxiety How-To Tips: Deal with It, Before It Deals with You


Here’s how to stop negative thinking, feelings and emotions that clutter the mind and lead to greater social anxiety.

How-To Tip 1:

Coping when you’ve “screwed up” a social situation

People like you for your mess ups.

When you do something imperfectly, people realise that you’re as human as they are themselves – and THAT makes them warm up to you.

By screwing up, you’ve shown yourself to be on the same human level as everyone else. Once people recognise signs of human imperfection, they’ll enjoy your company much more.

Your mess ups essentially ‘disarm’ people. They feel they can relax around you because you’re not appearing to be some sort of perfection display. 

When you appear perfect, people feel that they can never match the level you’re on – and THAT makes them go cold on you.

Learning this is great help because with social mess ups registering in your head as good things, you’re becoming more socially comfortable.

How-To Tip 2:

Stop getting bullied

My help won’t work if you’re being bullied. If people are picking on you, that needs to be stopped first.

Healing is impossible if you’re being bullied, because the changes that need to happen in your subconscious mind cannot happen.

First you’ll need to know how to stop the bullying. Here’s some tips:

Speak to your boss, teacher; some sort of superior

No matter how embarrassed you feel, tell someone that you’re being bullied. Why? Because you don’t deserve this. 

I understand that confessing to being bullied is a difficult thing to do. Admitting something like that might make you feel really awkward, but here’s the crucial reality:

Telling a superior that you’re being bullied, whilst awkward, is LESS painful, than allowing the bullying to continue as is.

It honestly will cause you less pain to admit that you’re being bullied. So for your own wellbeing, take the emotionally easier road, and tell someone.

Start a self defence class

It’s a good skill to be able to defend yourself, but there’s a better reason to learn this…

When you know you can fight, you start to radiate a sense of confidence. This confidence overwrites any weakness that a bully previously saw in you. 

Without the weakness that bullies detect, you’re no longer a target.

It will take a little time to establish that you can handle yourself better than you could before. Once you’re at that point, you’ll need to assert yourself…

How to show that you’re not willing
to be picked on anymore

Once you’ve been training in self defence for a couple of months, offer the bully some resistance. If they verbally abuse you, do the same back. If they touch you, remove them from your personal space.

This could turn into a fight, and that would be good. Why? 

Because once a bully realises that you’re willing to stick up for yourself (even if the bully knows he can beat you up) he’ll see that you’re too much hassle to bother with anymore.

Essentially, if you stick up for yourself in a physical fight (even if you get beaten up) the bully will no longer see you as the weakest fish in the pond. The bully will move onto someone else who offers less resistence. So, retaliate to a bully. Show that you’re not willing to tolerate this bullshit any longer. If it becomes a fight, fight back. You’ll only have to do it once.

How-To Tip 3:

Deal with loneliness

The only way to stop feeling alone, is to be around other people more. It’s an obvious one – you can’t avoid loneliness if you’re not around people.

Understand loneliness, see the emptiness that it brings to your life, and decide “Well, managing social anxiety is better than loneliness”.

Once you realise that it’s more comfortable to grit your teeth and bear social anxiety, than it is to avoid anxiety and be lonely, you’ll be in the right position to overcome loneliness.

If that means getting a little more lonely before you realise that loneliness is worse than anxiety, then so be it. Wait it out. Let it get worse. 

Take it from me, you’re better off in the company of others, having panic after panic, than you are stuck at home alone all the time. It’s the more comfortable option of the two. That’s some brutal help there, but it’s very true.

How-To Tip 4:

Deal with comparison to others

In the western world we are trained to compete amongst one another. It’s something that makes your condition worse, so here’s my social phobia help for it.

Whether it’s to win a promotion at work, to get the best exam grades in school, or to win at sport, competition is brainwashed into us. For many reasons, it ain’t good.

Competitiveness encourages us to compare ourselves to others. When we feel like we’re not ‘the best’, it can feel like we don’t measure up. This leads to shame and self criticism – 2 things present in many SA sufferers.

To combat this negative effect, it’s time for a new attitude. This help for social phobia might read out a little strange – just stick with me.  

You have only ever been, and only ever will be, you. You are you, everyone else is everyone else. They have different strengths, and different weaknesses than you’ve got. It is lunacy to compare your achievements to anyone else’s, since we’re all so damn different.

When people have different raw abilities in different things, it’s impossible to make a good, useful comparison because we all start from different angles.

For example, let’s say your strength is mathematics. In terms of a race, you’re starting 20 metres ahead of others because you’ve got that natural advantage.

It’s only fair to compare yourself to others, if you’re starting at the same point as they are. But you’re different from them, so it doesn’t work. The inevitable conclusion is this:

You can only fairly compare yourself, to what you – used to be.

That’s it. It’s only a fair race between you now, and the you of old. Nobody else counts in any comparison, because they are totally different – that comparison is a waste of time.

It’s only a fair comparison if everyone in the comparison starts in the same place – and you’re the only one who starts in your position.

So, forget everyone else, and start comparing your achievements with what YOU used to achieve.

How-To Tip 5:

Deal with depression

It’s horrible – I remember it well. That emotional place where you lack any motivation for life. I experienced it and came out the other side. Here’s the first thing I believe you need to do:

Find something to be enthusiastic about.

You need to bring meaning into your life. I did this by constantly reading personal development books, blogs, articles – anything I could find.

You need to discover a reason for living. A reason to actually do stuff in your life. I know the feeling of not wanting to get up in the morning because there seems to be no point. I get that. But there is a point, and I think you can find it by reading. 

First outline roughly what you want, and then start reading about how to get it in books or on the internet. THERE IS A POINT TO LIFE, but you have to go to it – it won’t just come to you.

Emily Murdoch
Hi I write about health and fitness for women! You may contact me at

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